SHAMOKIN - Motherhood can be a beautiful, rewarding experience when children are well behaved.
But when a child misbehaves, motherhood can turn into a frustrating nightmare.
For the 16-year-old son of "Baltimore Mom" Toya Graham, misbehaving meant defying her orders to stay away from the April 25 riots.
When Graham found him, she acted swiftly, striking him on the head, grabbing him by the shoulder and pulling him away from the scene.
Graham received praise for her action, which was caught on camera and shared widely across the Internet. A poll by The News-Item showed strong support for Graham's method of bringing her son under control.
Area child development experts, however, voiced concerns over Graham's use of corporal punishment.
"In terms of disciplining strategies, we recommend across all ages not harming a child," said Dr. Heather Hoover, a pediatric psychologist who runs parenting groups at Geisinger Medical Center. "It simply is not logical to try to teach a child not to be aggressive by using aggressive behavior because children learn from what they see and what parents do more than anything."
Carla Clark, supervisor of the Northumberland County Family Center, Stonington, echoed Hoover's sentiments.
"With her frustration level, I understand why (Graham) responded that way," said Clark, "but she could have been a little more calm."
Classes free to all
The Family Center, run by Northumberland County Children and Youth Services, offers a range of parents classes free of charge to anyone looking for help raising children.
When providing instruction on discipline, Clark said, the Family Center advises against the use of any corporal punishment. Instead, parents are encouraged to use methods like a timeout or "one, two, three, magic," where a parent counts to three slowly to allow the child to stop the bad behavior before invoking punishment like the loss of a privilege.
Hoover acknowledged a misbehaving child can elevate emotions. She recommended timeouts as a way to provide a cooling off period for both the child and the adult.
"The parents get a break to cool off, take some deep breaths and help calm themselves down," she said.
Ruby Michetti, curriculum coordinator at the Shamokin Area School District, said corporal punishment leads to fear while positive reinforcement is more effective.
"That's why spanking just isn't allowed in the school anymore," she said. "We feel we're helping raise children."
Michetti has seen the effects of various styles of disciplining through her years at the district. She said in recent years caretakers have faced increasing distractions like jobs, entertainment and socialization.
"Time is the key component," she said.
Michetti recommended rewarding children for good behavior by spending more time with them instead of material prizes. Activities like playing a game or going to the park provide children with the attention and approval they crave, reinforcing their good behavior and creating an opportunity for caregivers to connect with children.
At the Family Center, a special room with a one-way mirror allows staff to observe parents with their children. People who lacked the presence of caregivers in their own lives often struggle with basic interactions like playing with their own children, said Clark. Staff members give instruction to help parents learn to build better relationships with kids, she said.
Clark said the program also seeks to align parents two different discipline styles. Children with one parent who is permissive and one who is restrictive can become confused and frustrated, she said.
"They don't know what to expect," she said.
Children quickly recognize how to play one parent against the other, said Michetti, making discipline more difficult.
"Children learn to be manipulative at a very young age," she said.
Michetti and Clark agreed that the best parenting begins with consistent expectations and consequences from an early age.
"It all goes from day one and how you respond," said Clark. "The earlier you set those guidelines and how you want to structure, the better off you are."
She advised adults caring for children who are not their own, such as babysitters, to establish rules as soon as possible. The rules should be similar to what the children's parents enforce, she said, and tailored to a child's individual needs.
Once a child is older, Clark said, fixing bad behavior becomes much more difficult.
"It's really hard. You have to work really hard at that age," she said. She encouraged parents looking to reconnect with older children to use support systems of trusted family members and friends.
Hoover said teenagers respond to the same type of positive reinforcement as younger children, but the rewards should be adjusted to fit the age group. A common reaction to a misbehaving teenager is taking away a cell phone, then rewarding the teenager for good behavior by providing the cell phone, she said.
Parents of teenagers also need to find a balance between supervising their children while providing independence, said Hoover. She noted Graham had done an excellent job in keeping tabs on her son.
"The positive aspect of that is it demonstrates the parent was involved in monitoring his whereabouts and activities," she said.
Clark cautioned that parents now have an additional task of monitoring children's online activities. She recommended placing the computer in a common area and knowing all account passwords. Parents can also download apps that forward text messages from their children's phones to their own or safeguard their computers from certain content, she said.
Technology is also helping parents promote good behavior patterns, Hoover said.
"There are behavior modification charts online that they're able to do using positive reinforcement," she said. "(And) more potential from this generation to learn from sources electronically."
Michetti encouraged families to look to traditions to build good connections.
"If I can suggest anything to parents: turn the TV off in the home," she said. "Instead do puzzles, read books together, take a walk, do family actives. That begins the journey to developing close family relationships that are filled with love and trust."
